Jerk it Out


Fuck yes, tax season is over.

This may not mean much to you, casual reader, but this means I get my life back.

To commemorate this occasion, I’ll drink whiskey and write about food.

This one, if anyone cares.

It’s not actually rare. That’s just a bold-faced lie.

My life is thrilling isn’t it?

Jerk Chicken, Fried Plantains, Rice and Peas

I felt like making something ethnic and non-time consuming.

To get everyone in a tropical mood, I have taken the liberty of providing a carefully selected song for you to listen to as you read.

Thank me later.

So jerk chicken. What exactly is jerk chicken?

According to wiki-fuckin’-pedia:

Jerk is a style of cooking native to Jamaica in which meat is dry-rubbed or wet marinated with a very hot spice mixture called Jamaican jerk spice. Jerk seasoning is traditionally applied to pork and chicken. Modern recipes also apply jerk spice mixes to fish, shrimp, shellfish, beef, sausage, lamb, and tofu. Jerk seasoning principally relies upon two items: allspice (called “pimento” in Jamaica) and Scotch bonnet peppers. Other ingredients include cloves, cinnamon, scallions, nutmeg, thyme, garlic, and salt.”

For those too lazy to read three goddamned sentences, jerk chicken is chicken cooked with a marinade or rub of Jamaican spices.

As my knowledge of Jamaican culture and food is limited to shitty music and wikipedia, I used this recipe for the chicken and barbecue sauce with minor modifications.

Emeril's got my back.

My n*gga

Instead of scotch bonnets, I used equally spicy, tiny green thai peppers and instead of spring onions, I used shallots.

Oh, and I didn’t wash down the chicken with vinegar because what the fuck.

Without going into too much detail, the chicken was great and the barbecue sauce was literally the best I’ve ever had.

The end product.

The end product.

Fried Plantains

Time: 40 minutes


  • Plantains
  • Salt
  • 5 Cloves garlic
  • Water

So this is the first time I’ve ever made plantains and apparently it’s not too hard.

Get some plantains (the blackened ones are the ripe ones, no joke).

Cut plantains into 1 inch slices.

Fry plantains in low-medium heat until browned.

Remove and crush into medallions.

Like so.

Like so.

Drop medallions into cold water with crushed garlic and salt.

Completely necessary.

Completely necessary.

Remove after 5 minutes.

Dry on cloth.

Re-fry until puffy and golden.

Tell your friends it's a potato.

Tell your friends it’s a potato.

The taste is hard to describe. It’s like a garlicky, sweet, tart, crunchy fried banana.

Strange, I know, but quite good and definitely worth a try.

Rice and Peas

Once again, having little knowledge of traditional Jamaican cooking, I referred to the internet.

See recipe here.

I didn’t use any hot peppers, and used a 13 oz can of coconut milk as opposed to coconut cream.

I also used a rice cooker because, lets be honest, why would you ever make rice in anything but a rice cooker.

It turned out OK.

Would’ve been better if I bothered to read the can of kidney beans before dumping it into the rice cooker.

Chili spices and coconut milk do not go well together.



Overall, dinner was great.

Brown is a predominant theme.

Brown is a predominant theme.

The food was uncomplicated, hearty, and intensely flavored.

Give it a try if you have the time, it’s not hard, and you’ll have some amazing barbecue sauce left over for various culinary shenanigans.

Who am I kidding.. I ate it all with leftover popcorn shrimp.

I’m disgusting. I know.


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